


blinded

by seoktothejin



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Assistant Chenle, Boss Renjun, Complete, Depression, Detective Mark, Foreshadowing, Hospital, Letters, M/M, Nurse Donghyuck, Quick Read, Slight Happy Ending, Suicide, my birthday is january 9th.., woah this is pretty depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 01:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 5,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17356667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seoktothejin/pseuds/seoktothejin
Summary: a painful story through jisung’s view, recalling the old memories he and jaemin had together, the happiness that now brought sorrow..aka "how could i forget?"(i will post a clarification of the events that happen in the story at the end, so if you're confused it'll be all explained.)





	1. Chapter 1

  
thank you.   


i cannot express it enough.

 

thanks to you, i could finally see the light in my life, you were my sunshine.

 

it’s a shame that it’s all in the past now.

 

we can’t rewind, back to the time when you, the star, brightened up my world.

 

this feeling of despair hit me hard, my heart was never the same when you left.

 

you didn’t leave, but your mind did, which ruins everything even further.

 

collapsing.

 

my world that is.

 

it’s soon going to break and crumble into small bits, until there is nothing left.

 

you were the center of my universe, without you nothing can be done.

 

how could you forget me?

 

how could you betray me like this?

 

i was mad, but i knew it wasn’t your fault at all.  

 

it was mine, for not staying by your side that day.

 

all mine, you deserve to hate me as much as you want.

 

i deserve it.

 

  * the boy with the blue hair




	2. Chapter 2

just like that, my reason to live was gone, all within a split second.

 

it hurt me so much, i couldn’t process the information given to me that day.

 

because of you, i broke everyone and everything around me, i couldn’t believe what happened.

 

my relations all cracked into two, leaving me alone with no one except you with me.

 

but now you are gone.

 

i was angry at myself for not being there when you needed me most.

 

i was angry at you because of your selflessness.

 

if only you were more selfish, none of this would have happened.

 

i wouldn’t even be writing this right now, but i am.

 

letters that will never reach you.

 

all the days we spent together, all the memories we had, they all didn’t seem like much when you were with me.

 

because we could always make more together, no matter what happened.

 

but now that you are gone, it all seems so precious.

 

if only you stayed beside me, not straying off onto a different path.

 

we could have made more better memories, more important ones.

 

it seems fate has chosen to go against me this time, and so you are gone.

 

your spot beside me is empty, but your traces still remain here, untouched.

 

untouched, just like my feelings for you.

 

you were like a dream.

 

a dream where i floated on soft, pure white clouds.

 

but now i woke up from that vivid dream, falling into a new one.

 

a one with me falling into pitch black nothingness, with thorns, that pierce into me constantly.

 

  * the boy who fell into a dream




	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this a while ago, but i'm finally posting it.....

what could i possibly do without you?

 

the only thing i can be is lonely, other than that there is absolutely nothing i can do.

 

nevermind, now that i think about it, you were more than just a dream.

 

you were more important than just a dream that i could simply wake up from.

 

what is there to feel?

 

it hurts to remember those old times.

 

it hurts to admit the truth.

 

i don’t understand myself quite well.

 

i thought i did, when you were here with me.

 

but that all seems fake, i don’t know myself.

 

i don’t get why i can’t move on from you.

 

accept the truth that we are over, the fact that we can’t be together no matter what happens.

 

  * the boy who can’t




	4. Chapter 4

i didn’t know what to tell you.

 

when we were together, you told me certain things..

 

but i didn’t know what to say.

 

how to feel..

 

you told me them as if you wanted to hear specific words from my mouth.

 

and when i did, you were happy.

 

and when i didn’t, you changed.

 

tell me what you want from me.

 

i’ll give it all to you, just for you, you just need to ask.

 

please.

 

  * the boy who will give his all




	5. Chapter 5

how could i forget those precious memories?

 

they were the golden strings that brought my together from falling apart.

 

the collection of memories i had in my mind still stayed clear and lucid.

 

that helped me stay strong.

 

when i visited you that day, i was so worried, my legs gave out.

 

i was terrified to meet you, to face the fear of seeing you hurt.

 

all because of me.

 

when i finally got the courage to meet you, you had forgotten me.

 

everything, i tried everything to make you remember, but nothing seemed to work.

 

i didn’t understand, i was so frustrated.

 

i wanted you to recollect the memories we used to share together, but it didn’t seem to work.

 

i had given up, after many months of failed attempts.

 

i wanted to pick it up again, but i had no strength left in me to.

 

  * the boy who gave up




	6. Chapter 6

every minute, no, every second with you was so precious.

 

i wish i could remember every second i had with you.

 

my memory seems to get worse and messed up because of you.

 

my head is filled up with thoughts of you, and they don’t seem like they will be leaving anytime soon.

 

i’m starting to forget what i did a few days ago.

 

how could the world revolve right now?

 

when you are gone… 

 

all i can remember is you.

 

  * the boy who is lost




	7. Chapter 7

i regret everything i did to those around me.

 

they only wanted to help me with my problems, i just simply pushed them away.

 

if i accepted their advice, would i be here right now?

 

jeno wanted to help, but i refused and ended up hurting his heart more.

 

his cuts still didn’t heal from the last incident, i just made his wound worse.

 

i wanted to help him, or at least apologize for my cruel actions, but i knew myself.

 

i couldn’t.

 

he would never accept me.

 

he is probably still mad at me, and that’s okay.

 

  * the boy who is “happy”




	8. Chapter 8

i’m happy that jeno is mad at me.

 

he can use me as an excuse to be mad.

 

he can relieve stress by using me.

 

by hating me.

 

i want to be some use to someone, but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there to be with me.

 

jeno can be happier by using me, so i am glad.

 

i want to be loved.

 

i don’t care if i’m used.

 

  * the boy who wishes to be loved




	9. Chapter 9

you said we’d we happy.

 

you said that we would be together until the end of the universe.

 

you lied.

 

why did you do that?

 

you just made my mind even more tangled.

 

you knew nothing good would come out of it.

 

erasing you is too hard, but erasing myself is easier.

 

every living thing dies one day, anyway.

 

you changed, so much.

 

where did my jaemin go?

 

i wonder if you even remember me at the hospital.

 

i was the boy with bright blue hair.

 

the boy who had eternal love for you.

 

even your imperfections.

 

  * the boy who wants to give up




	10. Chapter 10

i’m done with being fake.

 

i was a bit fake with you, only to make you happy.

 

that was the only thing on my mind at the time.

 

making you the happiest person on earth.

 

i was happy too, when i was with you.

 

but i used advantage of that, forgetting all of my flaws, using you to be happy.

 

but i really cared for you, and now i have no one to care for.

 

why?

 

i was always the one lying to others..

 

how come i’m the one lying to myself now?

 

  * the boy with the hidden mask




	11. Chapter 11

they told me that time is medicine, but it seems there is no effect so far.

 

i wished to believe that time would heal these unrepairable wounds, but it seems to make them deeper.

 

i can’t help but keep you on my mind, and as i keep thinking about you, it just makes it worse.

 

you were like the summer, without the unbearable heat.

 

without the annoying bugs, the sweat.

 

the freedom and warmth that wrapped around me, it always made me glad.

 

summer was always the best time, relaxing, not giving a care in the world.

 

then we would always hang out together, going on dates with each other…

 

holding hands together.

 

occasionally kissing each other on the cheek, blushing.

 

who cares if we are under chaos, as long as you’re there, i’m fine.

 

our love was that strong.

 

the only thing that could rip us apart was misunderstandings-- misinterpretations.

 

what are you thinking about right now?

 

the only thing i’m thinking about is you, and it’s a problem.

 

  * the boy who misses his summer




	12. Chapter 12

why did you only forget me?

 

how could that even be possible?

 

the person you loved most, the person who you spent most time with.

 

why didn’t you forget chenle? jeno? haechan?

 

it didn’t have to be me.

 

but it’s too late to complain.

 

you already forgot everything about me.

 

i can’t do anything about it..

 

that’s what makes me even more upset.

 

i can’t even bring you out to a date because you were selfless.

 

you didn’t have to do that, you know.

 

i lived today so that i could be your tomorrow.

 

but now i can’t be anyone’s tomorrow, so what’s the point in living today?

 

i don’t know why i haven’t ended everything yet.

 

i just think that maybe there is still some hope of you remembering.

 

i know right?

 

that’s just stupid.

 

why am i keeping hope, when there isn’t any drop of it?

 

  * the boy who doesn’t know why




	13. Chapter 13

when i met you, i knew that you were the one.

 

i bet you knew i was the one.

 

i liked you because you gladly took in all my jokes.

 

you probably laughed at me in kindness at first, but it turned into something more real.

 

you listened to my heart, my problems, my issues.

 

all of these letters sound so cliche, but it’s all the truth.

 

these letters are how i feel.

 

you were different than other people, you were shining.

 

when i first saw you, i thought you were really good looking.

 

i couldn’t believe i met someone like you.

 

we met through my clumsiness, so i’m thankful for that.

 

i wonder what my life would have been like if i never met you.

 

probably really dark.

 

even when i have my last breath, i’ll think of you and remember your scent.

 

your face, your everything.

 

i will remember how our love was unlimited, unconditional.

 

  * the boy who remembers his love




	14. Chapter 14

i’m sorry.

 

i don’t deserve to be here right, now, writing this letter to you.

 

i just want to get this message to you, i want you to remember.

 

if you don’t remember, i’m not sure what i’ll ever do.

 

actually, i do.

 

the world may be better without me.

 

i’m sorry i’m annoying.

 

these letters are probably boring.

 

stupid.

 

useless.

 

they remind me of myself.

 

  * the boy who hates these letters




	15. Chapter 15

someone like me didn’t deserve your love.

 

why did i accept it?

 

because you were the only one who cared.

 

the only one i could speak to my concerns.

 

no one else was willing to listen.

 

even that time when i wanted to just end it all, you stood by me, no matter where i was.

 

like that time at the bridge, you stood beside me, threatening to jump if i did.

 

you saved me so many times, i owed my life to you.

 

but what’s the point now?

 

you don’t even remember me, nor the fact you loved me.

 

  * the boy who wants you to remember




	16. Chapter 16

even if it was one day, even if it was for an hour..

 

i want you to remember me, to at least remember my name.

 

see my almost faded shadow in your deep memories..

 

but i know, our love is like a unfed flower.

 

you know what happens to flowers that aren’t showered with love.

 

it begins to wilt, shrivel, die.

 

that is the fate of our love, and there is no turning back.

 

why can’t i just forget?

 

i know i was the one who pushed you out of my heart first, but i keep pulling you back in.

 

i’m sorry for wanting to forget first.

 

that was my mistake, but please forgive me for trying to remove you from my heart..

 

possibly, for breaking your hopes..

 

but maybe you just forgot about me again.

 

the blue haired boy.

 

please remember, even when i’m not there i wish for you to remember me.

 

your attention may seem like nothing, but to me it was everything..

 

your company too, everything about you was important..

 

that included remembering and knowing me.

 

  * the dumb boy




	17. Chapter 17

i find it funny how you can see my tear stains on these letters..

 

i find it weak, stupid and just useless..

 

why am i writing letters?

 

me and these mean nothing to you.

 

you won’t find them either, so i can’t understand my own brain.

 

what is stopping me from cutting all contact from you?

 

i’m not even sure myself.

 

  * the boy who is confused




	18. Chapter 18

did you only consider me as a friend, not even, maybe a guest?

 

when i visited you at that blank white hospital, did you think i was crazy?

 

did you believe me when i told you i used to be yours?

 

i bet you did, but that’s okay.

 

as long as you’re happy, safe and sound..

 

i’ll be the same.

 

your happiness makes up my happiness, my feelings that i cannot control.

 

you’re the only one who understood me, and as long as we’re under the same sky at the same time i’m okay.

 

  * the boy who believes he’s okay




	19. Chapter 19

those memories.

 

the memories that put my heart at rest, that comforted my heart.

 

when you smiled, when you laughed, everything was precious.

 

when i was faking my happiness, were you faking too?

 

when i was at the end of a long dark tunnel, you were there, reaching my hand out for me.

 

the path we are walking on now may seem dark, but possibly it could get lighter.

 

but that doesn’t seem possible..

 

your light is fading, and so am i.

 

everytime i fell, everytime i stumbled or became afraid, your existence helped me get up, your hand.

 

because you were there, i was able to feel safe.

 

but now if i get scared of if i fall, you aren’t there to catch me.

 

i’m alone, without any hands.

 

if it’s not your hand, it’s no good.

 

  * the boy who hates his path




	20. Chapter 20

remember that time we went to that pet store?

 

we were going to get a pet dog or cat.

 

but something at home came up for you, so we decided to postpone it.

 

at that time, i was upset.

 

oh wait, you don’t remember.

 

it was because, because of that incident you stopped talking to me for months.

 

in that small time, it felt like i wasn’t alive.

 

i skipped meals, forgetting what time of day it was.

 

i felt like time had frozen without you, like the whole universe stopped.

 

till this day, you still didn’t explain to me why you stopped talking to me for such a long time.

 

it’s okay, you don’t have to.

 

but imagine me now, i’ve been without you for something longer than just months.

 

  * the boy who wants someone to be with him




	21. Chapter 21

you exist in my heart.

 

i might look happy, i might look sad, but those might not be real.

 

i don’t know how i’m feeling right now.

 

i feel twisted.

 

i feel.. complicated.

 

why is life so unnecessarily complicated?

 

this factor of life bugs me to this day.

 

i wish we could just take a break from life, a break from everything.

 

we could always go back into it again, but only when we chose.

 

life didn’t need to treat me this way, but it did.

 

i wish for these memories to never fade out.

 

  * the boy who thinks life is unnecessary 




	22. Chapter 22

i said it was okay, but that’s not how i truly feel in my heart.

 

it’s just an excuse to get you to move on.

 

to make you feel comfortable.

 

a reason to put on my mask.

 

my mask was my most comfortable state-- at least i thought it was.

 

until you left.

 

whenever i put on my mask in front of others, it reminded of your soft hair, your perfect everything.

 

it.. hurt.

 

  * the boy who feels more pain than before




	23. Chapter 23

this is a fate, and that’s a fact.

 

facts can’t change unless someone proves it themself.

 

i can’t be that someone because i’m no one.

 

i wanted to deliver my love to you as clearly as i could, but i suppose i didn’t mean anything to you at that moment.

 

what you were throwing away.

 

just know i’ll be your green light.

 

no matter how blurry the traffic light is, you’ll know it’s green.

 

remember me.

 

i promise you i’ll remember you.

 

  * the boy who will remember you



                   (even at his last moments)


	24. Chapter 24

the sky above us holds many meanings.

 

meanings that some can’t understand, including myself.

 

today the sky was bright blue, but now it’s a dark purple.

 

as i write this, i’m outside, stargazing.

 

i’m searching for the brightest one in this lonely field.

 

the stars light up the sky, brightening each corner.

 

i’m sure i’ll end up there someday too, and i’ll meet you.

 

i found the brightest star, and it looks like you.

 

it lights up my darkest parts, my worst flaws.

 

but that star will have to fade soon, it’ll explode, taking everyone else down around it, including me.

 

  * the boy who was like a bulldozer




	25. Chapter 25

the earth is suffocating.

 

no matter where i go, no matter where i step, i’m still on earth.

 

even when i think i’m not being watched, there is always something watching me.

 

i cannot live freely, with these laws stopping me.

 

those laws are humans themselves, stopping me for the wildest reasons.

 

i breathed, and here they are stopping me.

 

i’m sorry, i just want everyone to leave me alone.

 

but it seems that everyone has other plans.

 

i wish i had other plans too, like trying to help you remember me.

 

but that doesn’t seem to want to come to life right now.

 

why can’t i just leave earth forever?

 

  * the suffocated boy




	26. Chapter 26

wolves.

 

they have social classes, even as animals without an sophisticated mind.

 

the alpha wolves are at the top, they are strong and reliable.

 

they are fit enough to survive the wilderness, strong enough against the world’s worst times.

 

however, there are omega wolves, the weakest of the pack.

 

they aren’t able to live, barely eating a day, being bullied and picked on by the alpha wolves.

 

they had nothing.

 

that reminded me of myself.

 

  * the omega wolf




	27. Chapter 27

ever since the last letter, i wanted to tell you something i didn’t get to tell you.

 

why i reminded myself as an omega wolf was because i was bullied in middle school.

 

i wasn’t that tall back then, and my bangs always covered my small face, my frame was small.

 

i was timid, which didn’t make me give off a friendly vibe.

 

the bullies knew they could beat me up without being questioned, i was weak.

 

i was bullied until high school, which is when people actually began to help me.

 

the bullies stopped, and i met you.

 

i was thankful, for everyone who had helped me, and when i had met you, i was still in a big slump.

 

i didn't want to live.

 

the bullies insisted i was useless, and i believed them, until you brought the light into my life.

 

you proved them wrong, i had use to the world.

 

but now i don’t know.

 

i feel like an omega wolf again.

 

but this time, i’m bulling myself.

 

  * the bully and the bullied




	28. Chapter 28

your soft voice that always satisfied my heart.

 

your gentle hands that always were so soothing.

 

your words that mollified the raging monster within me.

 

that monster was controlled, all because of you.

 

but now you’re gone, that monster is running around my body, out of control.

 

it’s slowly taking over, making my body it’s own home.

 

i still cannot do anything.

 

i want to fight this monster, but i’m lacking the courage to.

 

i start to wonder, who am i?

 

why am i here right now?

 

i should be with you, smiling happily together.

 

but i guess not.

 

  * the lonely boy




	29. Chapter 29

i visited you a month ago, secretly though, i missed you.

 

you looked happy with jeno beside you.

 

i was honestly very jealous, but that jealousy turned myself into an idiot.

 

i should have met you again, i was stupid.

 

why was i hesitating?

 

you were my lover, not jeno, why did i…

 

it didn’t have to turn out this way, but it did.

 

i should send you something, a sign that i’m here for you.

 

i’ll send you those scorpion grasses we looked at together that one time.

 

guess what their other name is!

 

forget-me-not flowers, funny right?

 

  * the forgotten boy




	30. Chapter 30

a mirror.

 

it stands before me, reflecting what is truly there.

 

a face.

 

the face seems broken, cracked.

 

a heart.

 

it seems black and empty, with nothing to spare.

 

a tear.

 

it seems to be rolling down the face like a waterfall.

 

a mouth.

 

it’s calling out to me, telling me i should let go.

 

the mirror begins to yell at me for everything i’ve done.

 

telling me i should let go like the mouth said.

 

“i hate you,” the mouth screams.

 

i’m a nobody.

 

  * the boy who only knows how to hate himself




	31. Chapter 31

my heart clenched as if something drilled into me.

 

the words i had spoken to jeno.

 

one by one i could feel my heartbeat rise, and a hammer pinning nails into my back.

 

what could i do?

 

i regretted it, but i didn’t.

 

maybe it was meant to be like this.

 

maybe i was supposed to forget.

 

but what if i couldn’t?

 

the precious memories could not, and would not, be forgotten.

 

that was just wrong.

 

i can’t forget you like you forgot me, jaemin.

 

i should though.

 

i’m sorry i can’t.

 

  * the boy who cannot forget




	32. Chapter 32

nowadays, it has been raining for days.

 

it’s the summer, so it’s questionable.

 

the water is dripping, like my love for you..

 

it’s melting.

 

maybe the world wanted to cry…

 

i can always relate to that.

 

these precious memories that will never be forgotten, unless you forget them.

 

these days i stopped crying like i usually did, and maybe the earth just couldn’t help crying for me.

 

i don’t know what’s wrong with me, you’re alive and well, but i can’t seem to get myself to get you to love me again.

 

maybe we weren’t meant for each other?

 

maybe i was meant for no one, without a use in the world.

 

but just maybe, i should be somewhere else right now.

 

like with you.

 

  * the boy who’s tired




	33. - the last letter

it seems that those golden strings are being cut, and slipping from their places.

 

i thought nothing could get through them, they were so strong, no matter how much i pulled they would stay.

 

but i was wrong, your scissors cut through them as if it meant nothing to me.

 

rain is persistent.

 

no matter how much you wipe your window, it continues to fall, ignoring the fact you are trying so hard to remove the water.

 

rain is a good way to describe my life.

 

no matter how i try to get up and move on from you, it doesn’t care and continues to rain.

 

i hear thunder, grumbling and yelling.

 

it wants me to stop.

 

i should listen, be obedient for once.

 

before i do, thank you for everything.

 

you have impacted my life more than you think you did.

 

i’m grateful for it.

 

but i can’t really keep it back any longer.

 

this world doesn’t want me, and it’s clear.

 

your path as been drawn out perfectly, while mine was erased halfway.

 

i know where i’m going.

 

i don’t think i will come back anytime soon, maybe we can meet somewhere else.

 

somewhere safer.

 

somewhere like you, beautiful.

 

i love you.

 

even if you don’t know me, please love me too.

 

  * the blue haired boy.




	34. last chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof..

**Third Person’s POV**

A plump teardrop fell down onto the piece of paper. One by one, tears began to fall from Jaemin’s face. He didn’t know that the blue haired boy wanted him to remember their relationship. He was upset he couldn’t help him and caused his death. If he had remembered, maybe he would still be alive and happy, together. Jaemin wiped his tears that were streaming down his face, he didn’t understand why. He couldn’t remember the boy very well, yet his body was reacting. He suddenly remembered the warmth, the love he received from the boy.

The more upsetting part was that Jaemin finally did remember. He remembered Jisung, every feature and his personality. If only… How could he forget?

When the boy did visit, Jaemin knew that the cutie was frustrated because he couldn’t remember. He didn’t blame him for being frustrated because he was frustrated with himself as well. Jaemin loved the younger boy’s attention and company. His heart seemed to fly out of his chest with him, and he wanted to know about him more. Then one day, the boy disappeared, breaking Jaemin’s heart in pieces. He didn’t know why he was upset, he didn’t know the other very well after all. It was weird, he never felt this way before with anyone else.

He gently held onto the photo of Jisung smiling together with Jaemin. They looked so happy. He tightly gripped the bed sheets he was laying in, hearing voices outside the hospital door. Donghyuck, Chenle, and Jeno had given him some time alone while reading the letters, knowing he would understand the deep meaning.

 

-

 

“What… is this?” Mark, an investigator who worked for the police, inquired. He was searching a suicidal man’s room, searching for reasons on why he had committed suicide. Nothing had added up, until he found a thick pile of letters. Slowly, he read the heartbreaking letters, that stayed on his mind, one after one. He shoved the letters into his pocket clumsily, walking out of the bedroom.

Once he made his way into the police station, he threw the letters at his assistant.

“Assistant Chenle! I found these letters locked up in one of the victim’s drawers. Look through them, and find the hospital and person they were addressed to in the first place.” Chenle nodded, getting right into work. Mark only knew that Chenle was a very close friend of Jisung, the victim, but never dared to say anything about him. He only mentioned that their friendship was broken, and that it faded away.

“Also, Detective Lee, Mr. Huang was calling you. He wanted you to head to the office.” Mark gave him a slight nod before walking to his boss’s office, knocking on the door.

“Come in!” A muffled voice called. Mark entered the modernized office, seeing Renjun with his feet up on his desk. 

The detective scrunched up his face, “Renjun, why’d you call this time?”

“I was just wondering how has your recent case been going, Mark.” The other casually sipped the coffee that was on his desk.

“Fine. I found some solid proof that the victim was clearly depressed, which probably led to his suicide.” Mark stated seriously, creating solid eye contact with his boss.

“Oh, that’s nice. Well, make sure to do a good job on this case, you messed up the last one.”

“Yeah, my mistake. Well, I’ll be off, Renjun.” His boss waved him goodbye from his chair.

 

**Chenle’s POV**

_ God… _ Why was our team assigned this specific case? Mr. Huang clearly knows my bad relations with the victim. After all, he’s friends with Jeno. Jeno told me before Jisung died, that he was hurt by him. I hated Jisung at that time, I couldn’t believe how self-centered he was! Just because he was upset that his lover forgot about him, he hurt Jeno. Afterwards hurting me, to the point where our friendship vanished into thin air.

Well, it’s too bad that we were assigned this case. These letters that Mark gave me… There are so many? Why didn’t he send these to Jaemin? I copied every letter without giving it much thought.

 

-

 

Soon I figured the truth. I was told to read the letters myself, so that I could properly understand the victim’s problems. I hesitated, but got myself to read them. My heart felt like exploding. I couldn’t believe what Jisung had thought all this time. I couldn’t believe that  _ I _ didn’t help him at this time. I hated him for being self-centered, but he was actually hating on himself this entire time. I wiped a small tear that formed in my eye. I could feel the loud emotions that screamed from the letters, the pain he went through. I grabbed my phone beside me, calling Mark.

“What’s wrong, Assistant Chenle?”

“Detective Lee! We need to send these to this hospital. Right now!”

“Wha-What? All of the sudden? We’ll do it after copying all of this evidence! Also--”

“I already did, I’m going to drive over to the hospital to give it to Jaemin. I’ll be out for a bit.”

“Wait, who? Wha--” I slammed the end call button, grabbing my coat and car keys, rushing outside with the letters tightly in my hands. Jaemin needed to read this.

“Jeno, come to the hospital Donghyuck works at, quickly! I have to show you something important… About Jisung.” I started alive my car, slipping my seatbelt on.

“Jisung..? I’ll be there in five minutes.”

I flew across the streets with my car, running into the hospital, spotting Donghyuck at the helper’s desk.

“Donghyuck, bring me to Jaemin, immediately! I’ll sign the paperwork later, I need to meet him!” I desperately yelled.

“Alright, alright! Calm down, let’s go.” Donghyuck gave a small signal to the nurse he was talking to. We started our way down the long hallways, searching for Jaemin’s room.

“I have unsent letters from Jisung.” I held up the letters that were wrapped around with a golden string.

“Really?” Donghyuck looked at me, and I nodded. Suddenly, I heard someone call my name.

“Chenle! I’m here.” Jeno yelled, catching up with us, he brought a home-like scent.

We searched the hallways, which seemed long and endless. It reminded me of Jisung’s letters, how they were like a maze, confusing. My mind became a blur and hazy when I had remembered Jisung’s facial expression when he had cracked. Broke our friendship.

“Here’s Jaemin’s room.” Donghyuck reached the for the door, but I shoved open the door before him, seeing Jaemin look up from his phone in surprise.

“Chenle? You haven’t visited in weeks! What’s up?”

“Sorry, I had work. Uh, I have to give you this. It’s from Jisung.” Jaemin didn’t know Jisung had died.

“Jisung…?” Jaemin tilted his head, wondering what he was.

“Oh right, the boy with blue hair, that visited you so often before.” Jeno informed.

“Him? Seriously? Give me!” I placed the letters beside Jaemin, giving an awkward smile.

“We’ll give you a second.” I nudged Donghyuck, who made eye contact with Jeno. I walked out of the room with the duo.

“Alright?” Jaemin looked at us, bewildered. I closed the door shut, looking at Jeno.

“How did Jisung write those letters? When..?” Jeno looked frustratedly at me, he didn’t know how Jisung truly felt.

“I was shoved his case this month, our team had to figure out why Jisung committed suicide. Mark found those letters in his bedroom somewhere, and it’s probably the catalyst. He was depressed when he was writing these letters to Jaemin,” Chenle explained his situation, the other two surprised, “I’ll let you read them later, I have copies at the office. I’m letting Jaemin keep the letters, he’ll want them.” 

Chenle slowly opened the door, once again, seeing Jaemin in such a vulnerable state, his eyes were red. “I’m sorry… you can keep those letters. It’s fine with me. We have copies for the investigation.”

Jaemin ferociously wiped his tears away in panic, the letters sprawled on the white bed.

“Did you know?” He looked… angry. But sad.

“No, I had always thought that Jisung was self-centered. That he didn’t care for us, and how we felt. He hurt me and Jeno too, but he didn’t mean it all. It was just us.” I scrunched up my face, pain felt throughout my body.

“I.. loved him. Whenever he came to visit, I always thought he was a cutie, someone I could always make my own. But I guess he thought differently, believing we could never be together. It wouldn’t be the same, it’s like starting over. I... remember him!” Chenle anxiously glanced at the ticking clock, Donghyuck rubbing his temples.

“It’s fate, and that’s a fact…” Chenle repeated the line from the letters, “we cannot change that, unless someone changes it themselves. I’m sure that Jisung wouldn’t be happy to hear you’re sad. He knew this was the right thing to do, and he would’ve done anything, honestly, to get you to remember him. He’s probably laughing right now, bright that you remembered him. Keep the memories with him strong, please. It’s all we have.” Jeno practically threw himself onto the chair, mentally exhausted from the news.

“I will… Thank you.. He was so lovable...” Jaemin continued to mutter to himself, talking about the memories he remembered of Jisung. Chenle smiled, waving goodbye, he caught a glance at Donghyuck who sat himself down near Jaemin to hear his small mutters…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarifications are after this chapter!


	35. clarifications and author notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS!

first off, thank you so much for reading this in the first place. it originally had 25 chapters with the title, "how could i forget?" but that was all changed because i thought it was too short and i had much more to write. this fanfic was started on august 10th, 2018. i wanted to create a very depressing story because i heard they were extremely fun to write-- and it did end up being fun to write.

when you read this, you might think i'm depressed or something, but i'm not. i did get lots of inspiration from songs like seventeen's oh my! and the boyz's walkin' in time. i'm thinking of writing a chapter about what happened on the day jaemin lost his memories of jisung, but i'm not sure yet. i wanted renjun to come out more in the story, but i had no clue how! so i just added him in as the boss of mark so that he could have some "screentime."

 **to the clarifications!** (they're a bit vague because they're not carved out perfectly yet,, sorry about that):

this idea is really cliche because jaemin was saving a kid and ended up getting hit instead by a truck or car. jisung is worried to death and is upset because he wasn’t there for him (jaemin went to that area because _jisung_ wanted to talk). he could’ve prevented it from happening. jaemin woke up remembering everything but jisung. jisung is depressed and his thoughts are all over the place, thus these letters are very confusing because this is how busy jisung's mind is. he gets distracted with many thoughts... 

the time where jaemin said he couldn’t go to the pet store was because a very valued (to him) family member passed away. i did mention that jeno went through a tough incident, and i was thinking that he lost a lover or something, not 100% sure. these ideas were made on the spot, so they haven't been perfected to make sense...

 

happy birthday to me and have a great week ♡.


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